VAGINA STEAMING

Ah, the now-famous "yoni steam." Gwyneth Paltrow is single handedly responsible for the modern public knowing about this ancient Korean practice, which traditionally requires holding yourself over a bowl. As someone whose squatting skills are so sub-par that I’ve willingly made ass contact with dive bar toilet seats on multiple occasions (and dealt with the pimply after-effects), I never thought the experience would be possible for me.

V-Spot, hilariously located in the middle of Madison Avenue near Barneys, is a great solution for other quad and hamstring-challenged women who still desire a detoxified puss; they boast a modernized practice that utilizes a machine similar to the one that steams your face during a facial. I was stoked; I was sold. Let’s fucking go!

Nether-region steaming is controversial in the eyes of Western medicine practitioners, but supposedly great for a whole host of issues including “cleansing and revitalizing the uterus” and reducing PMS symptoms and vaginal dryness. And when it came to the TLC of my tender loving V, I figured a place that offered all sorts of other upper-middle-class-wallet-friendly services such bioidentical hormone replacement therapy (nah), bikini waxes with 24k gold (maybe), and “Orgasm Shots” (hard yes…no pun intended) could be fully trusted. 

Here’s how the process goes. 

1. Lie down on a table covered in tissue paper and the shame of previous patients. 

2. Get assembled into a human teepee…in other words, your left leg gets bent and propped up against wall, right leg lays straight, and a sheet is draped across the top. Family-friendly fun!

3. Machine is assembled about 2 feet from your vag, and steam infused with basil, calendula, mugwort, marshmallow root, wormwood and rose petals is barreled through aforementioned human teepee for about 15 minutes. 

4. While the steam barrels, receive a very pleasant and only very slightly erotic abdominal massage, which is supposed to stimulate blood flow so your body can absorb more nutrients.

5. Watch as the specialist periodically lifts the sheet up to peer at your vagina [and ensure that everything is being steamed properly…I think?]

6. Watch your pussy turn into a guerilla rave as a multicolored LED light is shined on it. (Apparently, the blue color has antibacterial effects on some strains that are commonly found on the vulva and can “cause odors.” Thank God!)

7. Get dressed; return to the real world. If you’re lucky, on the way out you will be handed a CBD edible and a cupcake decorated with a buttercream vagina. What can I say? Trouble follows me everywhere.

So — the verdict. I don’t know how or why, but my entire crotch immediately felt about 15 pounds lighter…and I GLOWED like I’ve never glowed before. Sure, this could have just been from the exciting sensation of vapor on the vag, but I have a hunch it really was more than that. The #1 key to mental and physical health is open-mindedness, y’all! And if all else fails, how FUN is the idea of literally burning the ghosts of fuckboys past out of your bodily holes?! I highly recommend.