RECREATING NYC'S MOST OVERPRICED AVOCADO TOASTS

New York is filled with specialty items. Charmingly offensive t-shirts, overpriced cigarettes, ‘dirty water’ hotdogs, seats at a Broadway show, Metrocards…

Contrary to popular belief, avocado toast is not one of them.

The amount of dollars New York City eateries charge for this very simple, very passé dish sends me flying off my chair every time. Fancy spices, sprouted seeds, and spiraled vegetables disguise the fact that all one really needs to chow down is, well, an avocado and a piece of toast. Look, I get it. Brunch in our city is totally glamorous, and avocado toast looks totally glamorous within the screen of your iPhone, and it totally brings the likes. But if you’re going to spend money and time sitting still in a loud restaurant on a hungover Sunday, don’t you want to eat something it would be difficult to cook at home? Order the fucking caramelized banana pancakes.

I will admit, there are a few places that have made avocado toast as iconic as it is, because they just do it so well. I’ve deconstructed these recipes so that you can reconstruct them simply at home. Each recipe requires the same basic base, so if you get all of the recommended accoutrements, you can create a whole trendy buffet for you and your trendy friends!

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BLUESTONE LANE ($13, without a poached egg)

No secrets — the recipe is posted here


THE BUTCHER’S DAUGHTER ($13)

Multigrain bread (gluten-free if need be, duh. I like Free Bread’s “Moxy”)

Avocado

Olive oil

Lime

Curry powder (they use curry oil, but, like, too complicated)

Mustard seeds

Salt and pepper

Toast bread. While that’s going on, soak your mustard seeds in a little bit of water so they don’t gnash your teeth when you bite into them. Mash up the avocado (ditto on sizing) and mix with the juice from 1/4 of a lime, about 1/2 a tablespoon of curry powder, and salt. Drizzle finished toast with olive oil. Top with the avocado mixture, and top that with the mustard seeds. Cut diagonally. Done.

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CAFE GITANE ($7.25)

Multigrain bread (ditto to above)

Avocado

Olive oil

Lemon

Chili flakes

Salt and pepper

Toast bread. While that’s going on, mash up the avocado (ditto on sizing) and mix with the juice from 1/4 of a lemon, salt, and pepper. Drizzle finished toast with olive oil. Top with avocado mixture, and top that with red pepper flakes. Drizzle with olive oil again if you wish. Cut diagonally. Done.


THE EAST POLE ($16)

Multigrain bread (ditto to above)

Avocado

Olive oil

Lemon

Hot sauce (I like Cholula)

Cilantro

Salt and pepper

Optional: Soft boiled egg

Toast bread. While that’s going on, mash up the avocado (ditto on sizing) and mix with the juice from 1/4 of a lemon, salt, and pepper. Drizzle finished toast with olive oil. Top with avocado mixture, and top that with hot sauce and torn cilantro leaves. If you want to match the restaurant exactly, also top with two soft-boiled eggs (but I’m not going to tell you how to do that). Cut diagonally. Done.


LE PAIN QUOTIDIEN

Multigrain bread (ditto to above)

Avocado

Olive oil

Lemon

Chia seeds

Citrus salt (surprisingly not difficult to find at more upscale grocery stores)

Cumin

Salt and pepper

Toast bread. While that’s going on, mash up the avocado (ditto on sizing) and mix with the juice from 1/4 of a lemon, regular salt, and pepper. Drizzle finished toast with olive oil. Top with avocado mixture, and top that a sprinkling of chia seeds, cumin, and citrus salt. If you want to match the restaurant exactly, also top with avocado slices. Cut diagonally. Done.


LITTLE COLLINS ($8.50)

Multigrain bread (ditto to above)

Avocado

Olive oil

Feta cheese

Sunflower seeds

Chili flakes

Salt and pepper

Toast bread. While that’s going on, mash up the avocado (ditto on sizing) and mix with the juice from 1/4 of a lemon, feta cheese to your liking, salt, and pepper. Drizzle finished toast with olive oil. Top with avocado mixture, and top that sunflower seeds, ideally toasted, and chili flakes. Cut diagonally. Done.


TWO HANDS ($8)

This is more or less an exact replica of Cafe Gitane, plated differently.