*Le sigh*. I am so, so, SO incredibly SICK — devastatingly ill, really! — of the taboo that STILL surrounds female masturbation!

We’re conditioned to believe that it’s normal and healthy for males to have a sky-high sex drive from the time their balls drop to the moment they stop breathing. Some dude could jizz on the back of your head in a subway car and yeah, that makes him a pervert and a complete asshole, but you know, he’s just a man. You’d wrinkle your nose and roll your eyes — men can’t help themselves, can they. Whereas if I were to flick my bean on the uptown 6 and — God forbid — finish, half of my fellow riders would lunge for the emergency break while the other half whipped out their phones to record it in the hopes of achieving 30 seconds of WorldStar Hip Hop fame. 

Genevieve Andrews

Genevieve Andrews

Most of this divide is rooted in the longstanding disbelief — orchestrated by ancient fuckboys — that women are independent sexual beings, rather than walking holes that need to be filled by a phallus. The remaining percentage of the divide actually comes from women and the insecurity they feel toward their own bodies, which comes from the comparison to and judgement of other women. Most of our masturbatory fears are the same ones we have about full-blown sex: my desires are weird, my body is weird, I’m sick in the head, I’m fat, etc. 

Listen to me: there’s NO SUCH THING as “weird” fantasies unless they involve animals or children, and even that’s not so ‘weird’ as it is ‘mentally ill’. Don’t believe me? Pick a porn site, any porn site. Totally understand why so many women stay away from them (I, too, would like to avoid imagery of gaping assholes) but the homepages alone will show you just how many sexual proclivities exist in the world. The videos with the highest watch counts are often “unsavory” categories like “horny grandma fucking barely legal next door neighbor.” So angel, you like butt stuff? I’m jealous — mine’s too tiny! Pregnancy porn? Own it; procreation is fuckin’ beautiful! Asphyxiation? Sexy! No better way of dominating someone than to nearly kill them! Still not convinced? Good old Freud wanted to stick it in his mother. I rest my case.

Because nobody is watching you, masturbation is — well, it should be — the ultimate act of freedom. May I even be so daring as to suggest that the more comfortable you get with yourself, your desires, and your methodology to fulfill them, you might even become comfortable…letting someone else watch? You might even…want them to watch! You might even feel so fucking empowered and free that you want to do it in front of an open window! And you SHOULD!! You’re hot as hell!!!

Sexual desire is the root of being a human — or any sort of animal — so the more you get acquainted with yours, the more powerful the space you hold in the world will be. I promise. I’m constantly told I radiate intense sexual energy, but it actually takes quite a bit of effort to get me into bed; people are confusing it with my deeply rooted, and authentic, self-love. I can’t tell you how to jerk off because I’m not a sexologist (or a sociopath), but as a young woman who finds herself blissfully devoid of shame 99% of the time, I can confidently confirm that is the key. Here are some tips and tricks for getting there.

1. Shut the lights off. Unless you’re a gynecologist-in-training, there’s absolutely no reason to take the advice of Instagram sex witches and stare at your nether regions in a hand mirror. 

2. Set the mood. Light candles, burn incense, play a recording of a Charles Manson interview — whatever makes you feel sexy. 

3. Go within. Masturbation is a lot like yoga or meditation — extraneous, loud thoughts get in the way of calm, which gets in the way of focus, which gets in the way of achieving the ultimate goal of peace (and orgasms). Only when anxiety cools off is the body able to really flow, even in stillness. Use breathing and visualization to get centered and stable, and think of all your nastiest fantasies instead of what you have to do tomorrow. 

4. Good quality toys. Part of the fun of flying solo is that you can vibrate yourself until the cows come home without having to worry about damaging your partner’s ego. A little bit of luxury goes a long way when it comes to materials, and some fancy packaging will make the whole ordeal feel special. The ‘Crave’ Vesper necklace is a chic accessory with some serious power, and, of course, nothing beats Lelo

5. Spice it up. I find that lube is rarely necessary when you’re performing to your own specifications, but gels with weed in them are a different story. Quim Rock’s ‘Night Moves’ oil heightens sensation while helping you relax and release. Plus, putting weed in your pussy feels fun and daring. You wild thing, you!

Remember that the more you discover about your personal pleasure, the better sex will inevitably be; but if all else fails, remind yourself that masturbation is a form of #selfcare, and #selfcare is SO in right now. How can you say no to a wellness trend, angel?

Have fun, be safe, think about me ;)

Need more advice? DM or email me at healthishell@gmail.com