I’m obsessed with coffee. I know, I know — “everybody’s obsessed with coffee.” But I love coffee so much that I once composed a piece of creative writing comparing the beverage to intercourse, which then got published in a foreign erotic magazine. Sip on THAT. 

It’s not even the buzz that elevates me — it’s physically cradling the cup. That ritualistic cradle makes me feel seen and held and maximized to my greatest potential for the first time, every time, like I’d imagine someone feels when they finally receive their custom sex doll in the mail, or how Love Island Season 4 contestant Megan Barton Hanson felt when she healed from her $25,000 collection of aesthetic surgeries. It’s like, ah, yes — I’ve arrived


The problem is — as it likely is for everyone suffering from ADD, mania, weak immune systems, and/or Pitta doshas —  coffee makes me a literal psycho. Things I’ve been known to do after drinking too much coffee include confessing my undying love to men I’ve met once, singing karaoke with homeless people, and force-feeding my grandmother edibles. Coffee also gives me enough acne to genuinely be mistaken for a 14 year-old boy. As such, it’s been added to my list of dangerous pleasures, right next to poppers and low-intensity sadomasochism. 

While supermarket shelves are filling with more and more substitutions, I regret to inform you that there’s no such thing as a “great” replacement; for die-hards, the best ones will likely be reminiscent of what’s served at a diner off of a freeway in the middle of nowhere, and the worst will taste like liquified soil. But they’re good enough to reduce my coffee consumption to weekends-only when I feel the addiction spiraling out of control. Health first and ego second! Consider trying: 

Essential Medicine tonic lattes 

Medidate date seed coffee

a pinch of Shilajit in water or milk/”mylk”

Teeccino roasted dandelion coffee

Remember that ANYTHING can become a delicacy when you put milk and sugar in it. (Or, excuse me, oat milk and Stevia, breast milk and Splenda, whatever.)

Divorcing coffee becomes less traumatic if you’re only after a caffeine fix and not the java flavor profile. Matcha is equally revved-up with no crash, but those puke-green bevvies you’ve come to crave from Instagram-friendly cafes only taste good because they’re made with nut milk that’s loaded with sugar. LOADED! Like Rick James in the studio! Make it at home to save money and your precious BMI. Traditional hot chocolate gets a bad rap, but cacao powder + maca with some coconut cream, plus maybe a dash of Mucuna Pruriens (“the dopamine bean”) from Anima Mundi, is a wild energy and mood booster. (Adderall-level, seriously.) My herbalist has also recommended brewing cacao shells in a French press. She’s a full-on Earth Goddess and I’m a lazy fuck, so…yeah. Lastly, don’t sleep on black teas. English Breakfast, Lapsang Souchong, Pu-erh, and Yapon are all rich and flavorful enough to make you not totally hate your life. 

2 more points to conclude this rant. 

  1. A select few bougie third-wave companies are genuinely worth it, like Intelligentsia or La Colombe, but I generally see no reason to $hell out when all us Millennials view coffee as a mere carrier pigeon for milk, sugar, and self-loathing. Buy a can of instant and spend that extra money on Balenciaga sneakers…or therapy. 

  2. Fuck ‘golden milk’ forever. Who actually wants to drink turmeric?! That’s like knocking your head back after all the chicken and potatoes are gone to feverishly chug leftover curry broth. Which I do — obviously — but with awareness that this is a watery meal, not a beverage, and that I am very, very ill. Y’all seem to have just lost your way.

Ok? Ok. Good luck, angels. You’re gonna need it.