FEMALE MASTURBATION

We’re conditioned to believe that it’s normal and healthy for males to have a sky-high sex drive from the time their balls drop to the moment they stop breathing. Some dude could jizz on the back of your head in a subway car and yeah, that makes him a pervert and a complete asshole, but you know, he’s just a man. You’d wrinkle your nose and roll your eyes — men can’t help themselves, can they. Whereas if I were to flick my bean on the uptown 6 and — God forbid — finish, half of my fellow riders would lunge for the emergency break while the other half whipped out their phones to record it in the hopes of achieving 30 seconds of WorldStar Hip Hop fame. 

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WAKING UP IN A STRANGER'S BED

Did you mistake being drunk for being in love? (It happens.) Maybe you both confessed that you were lonely and just needed to rub up on a warm body. Or perhaps that expensive dinner led to a sumptuous, naked dessert…sex is gluten-free, after all. In any case, experts agree: there is absolutely nothing more terrifying than waking up next to a foreign body the morning after a date. Actually, yes there is — waking up in your date’s bed.

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COFFFFFFFEEEEEEE

Things I’ve been known to do after drinking too much coffee include confessing my undying love to men I’ve met once, singing karaoke with homeless people, and force-feeding my grandmother edibles. Coffee also gives me enough acne to genuinely be mistaken for a 14 year-old boy. As such, it’s been added to my list of dangerous pleasures, right next to poppers and low-intensity sadomasochism.

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SOBER S̶A̶L̶L̶Y̶ ALI

Every single one of us has a void, and we’ve all got ways of making ourselves feel artificially full until the day comes that we don’t have to feel at all anymore. Some of us blow lines, or paychecks, or both. Some of us smoke our lungs black. Some people pay for company. Many of us fuck until our joints ache, or give our hearts to invisible deities that never tell us whether or not they love us back. Nearly all of us put people we deem “special” on pedestals they don’t deserve. And for whatever reason, almost everybody drinks. 

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DEALING WITH THE DEVIL (aka quitting drinking)

Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that your drinking habits have become…alarming? Maybe you’ve started clocking in those after-work cocktails every night of the week! #MondayFunday! Maybe you’re not imbibing often, but when you do, it’s a guaranteed blackout bonanza, bitch! Or maybe you’re just straight up flying solo drinking from bottom-shelf bottles that are stashed under your bed a la Gwyneth Paltrow’s iconic[ally terrible] performance in Country Strong! But what I do know for certain is that, despite your sudden self-realization and most earnest wishes to return to being a functional and useful member of society during daylight hours, you absolutely will NOT give up your social life to get there.

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COPING MECHANISMS

Living with chronic loneliness is like....female facial hair. Adult acne. That phantom itch that swaths your ankles the second you tuck yourself into bed. It’s icky and invasive. The funny thing is that when life is good, you can go weeks, months even, without paying any mind to it…and then when it flares up, it’s BAD. All-consuming. World-destroying. I would know because it’s been a constant since the moment my body decided to go through puberty. I could tell you all the dark, damp places this loneliness stems from…but on second thought, nah, because you gotta at least buy me dinner first. I’ll tell you how I deal with it though. 

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VITAMIN cbD

Unlike myself, most professionals are not creative freelancers, which means they cannot be high as hell all day and call it part of the “artistic process.” (I don’t envy them.) So, CBD to the rescue! But as I'm sure you've realized by now, this hemp craze has led the market to become oversaturated with products, and it's next to impossible to figure out what's gonna heal your pain, fear, and existential dread, and what's simply going to make it worse. I'm here to help. 

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