Did you mistake being drunk for being in love? (It happens.) Maybe you both confessed that you were lonely and just needed to rub up on a warm body. Or perhaps that expensive dinner led to a sumptuous, naked dessert…sex is gluten-free, after all.
In any case, experts agree: there is absolutely nothing more terrifying than waking up next to a foreign body the morning after a date. Actually, yes there is — waking up in your date’s bed.
Where am I? Do I like this person? Do they like me? How HEINOUS do I look right now?
Your head is throbbing, your eyes, mouth, and lady bits are all encased in a bourbon-infused crust, and you likely want to die. On a bad morning, this is because it’s another horrific choice to document in your (leather-bound) journal; on a good one, because you now have uninhibited access to a very sexy Young Professional.
I’ve been in both places before, and God knows life will take me there again. Let me help you.
“How To Maximize The Experience Of/Make A Good Impression After Waking Up In A Stranger’s Bed”
Scenario 1: you roll over…and realize you do like this stranger, but are so hungover that you can’t function.
Back when I drank heavily, this was usually me, and I’ll tell you: the only thing worse than having a semi-stranger try to rail you when you’re on a high-speed train to Barftown is that train coming to a halt in a semi-stranger’s toilet. Unless you’ve managed to fuck a literal Saint, this stranger is not likely to be sympathetic to your desire to go back to sleep and/or hide your head from the sun — and him — beneath a pillow. Any tender, caring big spoon action is just leading to unwanted dry-humping, so call yourself an Uber, throw your clothes on, plant a kiss on his fragile, insecure little forehead while mustering a smile, say thank you, and get the fuck out.
Scenario 2: you roll over…and realize last night was a huge mistake.
Follow all previous instructions, with the exception of tender forehead kiss or expression of gratitude.
Scenario 3: you roll over…and realize you’ve never felt hornier, or ickier. (Mouth breathers unite!)
Go the bathroom and spruce that ass up, girl!
Dry skin no doubt accumulated on your mug, because you no doubt fell asleep in your makeup, and flaky skin makes acne look like a blessing. Towels are great emergency exfoliators; use the corner tip of one to buff the flakes away. If you’re lucky, his towels will be colored and your dead skin cells will be undetectable. If the universe hates you and the towel’s white, just make sure the soiled side is facing the wall when you hang it up again. Et voila.
Squeeze some toothpaste onto your finger and shove it in your mouth. If you’re feeling sexy and fun and like the kind of girl who would use a stranger’s toothbrush without permission, do it. You can dry it off on the same section of the towel you just soiled.
Wash your hands and only rinse off 3/4 of the way — now, use the remaining soapy water to cleanse your lady bits. Dry them on a folded piece of toilet paper…or that same soiled towel.
The one thing you shouldn’t touch is your eyeliner. For whatever reason, the more smudged mine is, the more compliments I get from the person next to me. I’d like to think it gives off a vulnerable vibe, but have a sneaking suspicion it just reminds men of amateur blowjob porn.
Hop back into the sack and let your freak flag fly!
(All of the above said, unless you’re suffering from an acute case of halitosis or BV, almost all sex-hungry dudes are gonna ignore less-than-pleasant smells and appearances, including their own. Sticky, sweaty mouths and genitals are aphrodisiacs for wild animals only, so you will either need to pray he follows your hygienic example, or just succumb to doing the deed on your side.)
Now we have Scenarios 4 & 5.
4: y’all get freaky again, and it’s rowdy, but gets weird afterwards. Maybe there’s nothing to talk about in the post-coital moment, or he says he has plans. Politely bid him adieu and go out to brunch, blow a paycheck at Sephora, or invite your other hungover girlfriends over for pizza. You’ll inevitably over-analyze, but doing so in the company of others makes such behavior less tragic.
5: y’all get freaky again and decide to have breakfast, and breakfast turns into another round of sex, and another round of sex turns into binge watching Love Island season 4 until nightfall while establishing how much you clearly have in common.
In either case, trust your instincts and know when to excuse yourself; don’t let that biological clock make you a psycho before he proves he’s a catch. I am generally in favor of waiting for men to text you first — they are not as socially evolved as we like to think — but if you absolutely must follow up, here are some appropriate examples:
-“I had a great time, thank you”
-“I think I left my earrings *hand on the forehead emoji*” (gets response whether or not you did, but very obviously a scheme if you did not)
-“Damn, that was good…”
And here are inappropriate examples:
-“just threw up lol”
-“Did I do something wrong?”
-“I’m kinda itchy”
Whether or not your relationship goes somewhere is up to the universe. He could be into you, or he could not. He could be in the market for something new, or he could have a girlfriend he didn’t tell you about. (Been there, babe!) The key is to make sure you always have multiple options on deck, and remember that you can and WILL have excellent sex with other excellent sources.
Congratulations on making the most of your youth.