DEALING WITH THE DEVIL (aka quitting drinking)

Hey party girls (and boys)! Have you ever woken up one morning and realized that your drinking habits have become…alarming? Maybe you’ve started clocking in those after-work cocktails every night of the week! #MondayFunday! Maybe you’re not imbibing often, but when you do, it’s a guaranteed blackout bonanza, bitch! Or maybe you’re just straight up flying solo drinking from bottom-shelf bottles that are stashed under your bed a la Gwyneth Paltrow’s iconic[ally terrible] performance in Country Strong! Whatever — no judgments dude!! Life is tough!! But what I do know for certain is that, despite your sudden self-realization and most earnest wishes to return to being a functional and useful member of society, you absolutely will NOT give up your social life to get there.

You pig. (I don’t blame you.)

Herbert Felix

Herbert Felix

Listen though — alcohol unquestionably SUCKS for your precious health! In every way! Aside from the horrendous dance moves and drunk dialing and COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR CONSEQUENCES and inevitable weight gain (moooooore bounceeee), it’s a spirit ruiner for days after, and the older we get, the more hangovers truly start to feel like little deaths. Not in the cheeky, fun, Renaissance erotica definition way either. And NEWSFLASH, anyone over the age of 25 — you actually don’t need it in order to go out at night and have a good time.

No, I swear! I’ve done it. I DO it! Grow UP!! I’ve been just FINE. I’m not saying you need to go out sober either. There are PLENTY of other mind and mood altering things to ingest that A. will wack you out enough to believe the sub-par bar you’re at is the best thing ever and B. are not cocaine. Let’s hit it!

H. Felix

Ali’s Top-Notch Solutions for the Half-Sober (as of September 2018)

  • Sociable Weed Products

Breez Cinnamon Oil Spray. Yo, this is SO good. Because it’s got equal parts CBD to THC, you get extremely high…without really realizing it. There’s no tweaking out, no paranoia, no exhaustion from battling your own mile-a-minute thoughts. You just VIBE. I recently went to a music festival on this, and effortlessly two-stepped for 8 hours straight.

Beboe Pastilles. If you’re looking to dance — and I mean really cut a rug — these are the golden ticket. 5mg of THC means you’re chillin’ only halfway in the clouds, but with enough euphoria that it feels like a full-on E flashback. Great choice when I want to hit raucous midweek parties but can’t afford a hangover.

DomPen A clean, sharp, high-energy, immensely smokeable vape. Futuristic packaging, too.

  • Energy Drinks

    Hard pass on Redbull. Yeah, the natural options below might get you (even) more flack at the pregame, but if you’re gonna pursue getting cancer, at LEAST have the decency to do it in a way that’s semi-chic!

    HiBall

    Runa

    Guayaki

    feverishly chug multiple bottles for best results.

  • Kava
    Some call it “nature’s Xanax,” although to me drinking this (legal!) herb feels a lot more like getting slizzard! There are proper bars for it in the New York area, but it’s more convenient to find an herbalist you trust to guide you through preparing it at home.

  • Anima Mundi herbals

    HARD recommendation of the “Euphoria” spirit elixir, “Happiness” tonic, and “The Mind” tonic as “uppers,” and Lucid Dreaming elixir & tonic as downers. They work, and you can mix them.

  • Juuling

    *Le garbage* for you, make no mistake. But sometimes buying a drink feels necessary just for the sake of having something to hold on to on the dance floor. Vaping to the beat takes the edge off (along with a couple years of your life). May I recommend mint or mango?

  • Micro-dosing mushrooms

    Um, I’m not suggesting you do this as much as I’m presenting it as an option. HMU if you need directions to experts/spirit guides.

    Happy, healthy self-destruction, angels! <3