THE CRAZY SHIT I DO TO MAKE SURE THAT I MYSELF DO NOT GO CRAZY (aka surviving the apocalypse without pills)

Adderall in the morning, Klonopin at night (ok, and sometimes in the morning) — I’ve been off and on that road, and it’s fun as hell…for awhile. It’s fun until your reflection starts to look suspiciously ghostly, like that of your deceased auntie who your grandma SWEARS she sees after a certain hour. It’s fun until you realize you’ve lost track of both time and the outer depths of your mind.

I don’t need to be the one to tell you that drugs, even prescription ones, do nothing more than glaze your donut-shaped soul (empty in the middle, get it?). That hole can only be filled by self-work. But therapy is expensive, and takes forever, and is…annoying, and sometimes you just need a fucking remedy immediately. After years of practice, I’ve finally solidified an effective, sustainable weekday routine that’s a little more natural than pill popping. Here’s my version of the absurdly boring and passé “What I Eat In A Day” profile.

(Note: my May-October routine is slightly different than winter because the sun is out and I only want to die about 20% of the time as opposed to the usual 65+.)

A.M.

Coffee & Klonopin is my favorite paradoxical combination since Anna Nicole Smith & J. Howard Marshall; you can mimic it in a healthier fashion with really caffeinated black tea (the Persian kind is great) and a dash of high-grade CBD oil — Foria’s clocks in at a big-ass 21mg per 1/2 dropper!! Depending on how many meetings/deadlines/orbiting fuckboys exist, I might also take 400mg of Magnesium Glycinate with breakfast as well. A lil B12 and D (the vitamin kind, freak) never hurt nobody. Oh, and don’t forget the probiotics; 100 billion of the colon-helping strain, because apparently a ton of mental health issues start in your gut. But also, I want to be able to eat pizza over the weekend without collapsing. 

When I’m feeling particularly psycho, binging on #superfoods gives me a beautifully delusional sense of calm. The breakfast M.O. is “pile together anything anyone’s ever told you is healthy, say “om,” say “ah,” and say a prayer.” Spinach, blueberry, hemp, and cacao smoothies get this done, or a plate of eggs, salmon, and avocado. So does a shiny gun to the head. 

AFTERNOON

Something stressful almost always comes up after 12, whether it’s an audition or an unsavory person vaguely breathing in my direction on the L train. So I pop an additional 200mg of the Mag Glyc. Eating oranges and dark chocolate also makes me REALLY happy (more superfood stockpiling, if you will), but scientists firmly claim both *legitimately* boost your mood. I buy the overpriced kind from Italian import stores and snack on them all day with Tulsi tea. If I’m writing a lot or have a crush or just can’t figure out what the fuck is wrong with me, I’ll smoke an herbal cigarette (or 3). 

NIGHT

Sweating is great for that whole mental/physical connection, schvitz-it-all-out thing. My parents have a steam in their shower (rewards for 30 years of a nonstop, soul-crushing work life — rejoice!) and infrared saunas are pretty awesome too. I try to do one or the other at least twice a week. I guess I could also just run…but, like, no. Yoga is a tolerable halfway point. Stretching releases a lot of emotional buildup; it’s worth the effort. 

Fish and flax oils are once again scientifically-claimed to be really good for Le Mood, so I go in on those. Another probiotic because, why not? (Just kidding, I can’t even pretend to be fun and spontaneous here. My digestive system is a mess.) Licorice tea soothes anxiety or binge eating-related tummy problems, and dandelion tea is good for the liver, which is your body’s cleansing HQ. A cannabis suppository up the ass (or a hit of a weed pen, if you’re vanilla) knocks you out of this shitty earth and into crazy dreams without the morning Benzo hangover, but often I’m just so exhausted from talking to the voices in my head that it’s not necessary. Don’t forget to douse your pillows in a lavender-based aromatherapy spray before hitting them; all the cool lunatics do it. Zzz (*prays to not wake up*)

I hope this helps. If it doesn't, perhaps you should consult an actual medical professional.